Yo! Gwyneth! Shut Up!

NEW YORK—Several hundred emails pour in each week asking me about the Joe Bob Wellness Regimen.

People wanna know, “How do you do it, Joe Bob? Glowing skin after a three-day drunk. Toned abs over your beer gut. A certain aroma about your torso that prevails even after extended sessions in the cigar bars of Jersey City. And that hint of peat-bog detritus in your breath every time you return from either Scotland or Vinnie’s Package Store in Coney Island.”

I am truly humbled by all the attention, and so in the interest of public health and a vigorous America, glistening like Vin Diesel’s deltoids after being oiled up by a team of Swedish strippers, I’m happy to take you through my Wellness Day.

I always try to rise each morning by 9:45, because this creates the mental confidence caused by “not sleeping till 10” while also creating a 15-minute window to remove the previous day’s clothing and aim a garden hose directly at the eyeballs, thereby removing any blood in the iris. It helps to prepare for this morning ritual by coating the face with raw bee pollen coated with silk gum because this will cause …

Read more at Joe Bob’s America on Taki’s Mag
(The opinions in this article are the opinions of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of Southern Nation News or SN.O.)

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